Suburban Vampire :

I’m sorry for the mess. Mr. Dinkles sheds abominably, and I hadn’t had time to vacuum before you arrived.

Can I get you something to drink? I have A Positive with or without vodka, and a bit of O Negative with cognac I’ve been saving for a rainy day, heh heh.

No? Okay, well I see you’re in a hurry, so I’ll get right to the point. You see, Bill – may I call you Bill? Oh… Well, er, okay Wilhelm, I believe you seem to have been misled about our lifestyle.

Yes, yes, we are “powerful bloodsucking creatures of the night” but, well… ahem… Well, to put it plainly, it’s not as glamorous as it’s been made to look. We are in fact immortal, stronger than humans, and need blood to survive. And that sunlight thing. However, I think it’s important to remember that our immortality is simply our bodies producing more of certain chemicals and proteins than human bodies and we’re only mildly stronger than humans (when I see “vampires” in movies lift cars it just makes me laugh – I wish! Oh what money I could make in the towing business! Ha ha!).

As for the drinking blood and sunlight aspects… well, friend, I’ll tell you this for free. Those are subjects that are not brought up in polite society. It’s just not done! You’re young enough that you’ll understand it is like bringing up bodily functions to British humans while they’re eating dinner. Yes. It’s that bad.

We live in human society although I am well aware that there are those who would rather we enslave humans and create our own vampiric society. That’s just not realistic. Yes, you can hypnotize and control humans, but not ALL of them. Really only two or three at the most and that’s on a good day! Even the older among us can only control a small group. Maybe enough to take over a Taco Bell at most. We could, I’m sure, gain control of the ruling humans and enslave the rest that way, but how tiring! I need a nap just thinking about it.

Also, and this is really why I wanted to speak with you Bi- Wilhelm. You see, most of us enjoy living in human society. We have businesses, friends, hobbies… Imagine eternity without indoor plumbing or air conditioning! It’s not to be borne!

Of course we could invent these things ourselves – we’re not a stupid species. I suspect by saying that you’re trying to get my goat and thus incite me to fight you. Friend, please take the cotton out of your ears and listen to me.

There just aren’t that many of us around. Yes, as tedious as it would be, we could enslave humanity and force them to keep the electricity on, but we’d end up extinguishing their spark to create.

Wait. What’s your favorite song? Don’t tell me – something by Bauhaus, right? Oh, yes. “Bloodletting.” I’m so surprised. No, really. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is, if we enslaved humanity we’d lose all of the good parts of them except for blood. You’d never get another Concrete Blonde or Bruno Mars or Anne Rice or “Twilight”! We’d crush their spirits and they’d stop creating. Creating music and art, innovating and exploring… No, it’d take our kind millennia to even come close and I, for one, am NOT giving up my iPhone for anything!

No, B- ahem, Wilhelm, there’s no nice way to say this, but… frankly you’re embarrassing the rest of us. The black clothes, fine. I even understand that eyeliner is acceptable for men now. I try not to judge, you understand. I mean, I like True Blood as much as anyone, but… Look, you can’t run a “Vampire Nightclub” with a “Blood Bar” and hypnotize the attractive local humans into working for you. People are talking!  You also must stop sleeping in a mausoleum (really, I’m appalled – have some respect! Humans bury their dead there and they don’t need your groupies fouling up the place). Lastly, you will release all of your “thralls”. This is not a request.

Ah ah, I’m not finished, and please don’t interrupt me again or you will regret it. Briefly. As I was saying, the rest of us are fond of our lives and would take exception to anyone ruining it for us. If I may be so uncouth, some of the others have suggested disemboweling, as a start, to teach you the value of living in polite society. I, however, believe that you are a smart person and wanted to give you a chance to… let’s say “reevaluate” your lifestyle before taking any drastic action.

Tsk – really now, I’ve been nothing but gracious. There’s no reason for that kind of language in my house! I am saddened to find the others were right. I see now that you won’t respond to reason. Unfortunate.  If you would, please accompany Mr. Rand and Ms. Corey and they will begin your lessons. I apologize if they startled you. Did you think I was alone? Ah ha ha. No. Even alone, I could best you very quickly, but I have evolved and abhor violence. Mr. Rand and Ms. Corey, however, are still comparatively young and they do so enjoy teaching the… ah… more difficult students. In time, they too will evolve past violence. As will you, friend – once your lessons are complete, we have a special underground crypt where you’ll have a few hundred years to think about what you learned here. I am confident that you will emerge much better for it!

Now, if you will excuse me, I have guests on the way and I really must vacuum before they arrive. I look forward to seeing your progress.

Mr. Rand, Ms. Corey, once you have completed your duties here if you’d be so good as to wash up and join us in the parlor for drinks, I would be ever so grateful.

Good bye.

Creative Commons License

Tales From the Queue
by Shelly Schwimmer
is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at

social icons